YOUR GUIDE TO MIXED MARTIAL ARTS PART I

Not the norm. Honest

Mixed martial arts is my favourite sport. There I said it. You can keep your rainy football pitches, your wickets, your slam dunks and, uh, your ice skates. I've seen the light, and it's filtered through a haze of bloody mist. I've heard the criticism (it's dull/it's brutal/it's thinly veiled gay porn), and to the naysayers I simply shake my head and offer them my hand.

"Come with me," I say. "Soon you will know what I know."

Enjoying MMA isn't as hard as you might think. People's heads get caved in a lot less than you probably anticipate. Debilitating spinal injuries occurring mid-match are almost unheard of. Audience members in the front rows do not usually leave the arena soaked in gore.

But why should you give a shit about two men who have agreed to "pound on" each other for money? Surely MMA is the basest, least edifying spectacle we as a species are capable of producing? Well, no. Mixed martial arts has as much artistry, depth and spectacle as any sport you'd care to mention. Yes, even competitive eating. The key to appreciating it is learning about the bizarre, but lovable characters at its core.

This list of fighters is in no particular order. It's not based on merit, chronology or any kind of significance other than the fact that if I were to assemble a strike force of augmented superhumans to take down a government I would probably use these guys as my starting point. Here is part one:

IGOR VOVCHANCHYN
During the late 90s and early 00s the sport of mixed martial arts had to fight to be taken seriously. Critics bore down on it from every angle, claiming that something so violent should be outlawed and not invited into the mainstream. The mixed martial arts establishment countered by saying the sport had evolved and the wanton brutality of yesteryear was never coming back. We can only imagine that while saying this, said establishment was praying the critics never stumbled across any of Igor's fights. A 5'7 heavyweight with hands that could drop an elephant, Vovchanchyn represented the pitiless, destructive element of MMA which to this day makes people queasy.

What made Igor especially scary was his air of nonchalance. He would patiently stalk his understandably jittery opponents around the ring like a man who would like to go to bed but must first swat a noisy fly. Igor's foes would inevitably find themselves backed into a corner, at which point Vovchanchyn would decimate them with a wildly inaccurate but devastating volley of looping punches. When the smoke cleared Igor's opponent would usually be lying motionless, face-down.

Fun Fact As a young man Igor was known for his short temper. The people who lived in the same village as him (who we can assume were constantly nursing broken faces) had a special bell they would ring if he was in a bad mood.
Fight to Watch His bout against Francisco Bueno at PRIDE 8. Textbook Vovchanchyn. This fight instantly gave Igor a huge fan base in Japan.
Strengths Endless patience and cement-like fists.
Weaknesses Absolutely no abilities beyond his admittedly phenomenal talent for punching people hard in the face.

KAZUSHI SAKURABA
When MMA was trying to find its feet in Japan promoters would frequently sign established stars of the pro wrestling world to one-fight contracts. They were hoping against hope that at least one of the wrestlers would cross-over successfully and bring his ready-made fanbase with him. Unfortunately none did, and while this made for an hilarious blooper reel-like sequence of roided-up Japanese musclemen being summarily executed by faintly baffled Americans, it made for depressing viewing for the financial backers of the MMA promotions who needed a Japanese star to make the sport commercially viable.

Sakuraba was not what they had in mind. For a start he wasn't popular - he was basically the whipping boy of his pro wrestling organisation. Secondly, at 180lbs and with a face that didn't exactly say 'superstar' he didn't look the part. Still, by 1998 promoters were willing to try anybody if they were Japanese and foolhardy enough to climb into a ring and potentially ruin their own careers in front of 10,000 people. Saku took the risk and never looked back. A prodigiously talented master technician, Sakuraba had the ability to not only beat guys twice his size, but actually run rings around them.

The IQ Wrestler, as he came to be known, would control his bigger, more aggressive opponents like a matador. The image of a diminutive Japanese man playing with scary foreigners was one which predictably tested well with the home audience and Sakuraba was a superstar in no time. Unfortunately at some point around 2002 the promoters apparently began labouring under the misapprehension that Sakuraba was in fact invincible and he was pitted against a series of opponents too big and too skilled to allow for Sakuraba's magic. The results were as predictable as they were unpleasant to watch.

Fun Fact Pre-Sakuraba the Brazilian Gracie family were the top dogs of MMA. The Japanese wrestler became a legend by beating them one by one, earning the name 'Gracie Hunter' in the process. Yeah, he had two nicknames. Deal with it.
Fight to Watch Sakuraba's 90 minute epic showdown with totemic Gracie champion Royce is still the longest MMA match ever. Here are the highlights.
Strengths Flawless gameplans and fluid, intuitive submissions.
Weaknesses Hard drinking lifestyle took its toll. Suicidal inability to turn down fights in which he will almost certainly be pulverised.

RANDY COUTURE
Before Randy 'The Natural' Couture decided he wanted to be an actor (he got about this far) he was the quintessential fighter's fighter. Yes, he was old and somewhat gnarled. Yes, he would refrain from pre-fight trash talking and in-ring showboating. But he was a gentleman damned it, and there's something inherently satisfying about seeing the good guy get the job done. Couture approached his fights like Harry Callahan approaches a Mexican crack house. No, it wasn't a nice job, and yes there would be some mess, but there comes a time when a man must lay down the law. For a few years Couture was laying down the law on a regular basis.

Couture's style was a no-nonsense blend of hold-them-down-and-beat-them-up mixed with the tenacity of a hobo fighting for soup. He would come into every fight looking like the underdog. Once he was into his 40s pundits were writing him off every time he was even mooted for an event. Once in the ring however Couture would use his Olympic wrestling skills to neutralise whatever he was up against. Like a man being shown a single episode of Sex in the City on infinite loop his opponents would visibly lose the will to go on. It didn't matter if you came armed with 20 new-fangled submissions and an arsenal of somersault roundhouse kicks - you were going to end up flat on your back and Couture was going to be slowly punching your head into a new shape.

Fun Fact Randy Couture is the oldest man to win a MMA title.
Fight to Watch His workmanlike drubbing of excruciating "bad boy" Tito Ortiz will warm the cockles of your heart. Here is the final round.
Strengths Seemingly indefatigable. Wrestles in the same way most people walk/breathe.
Weaknesses Complete lack of flair. Predilection for terrible action films.