Sunday 26 April 2009

ALL THE RAGE

An actor friend of mine recently auditioned for a part which required him to get angry. Really angry. The kind of angry which one associates with domestic violence and old-school newspaper newsrooms. The friend got the part but admitted it was hard to give a completely uninhibited performance. Evidently "losing your shit" on screen is an art form.

So which modern actors have perfected this art? Obviously Al Pacino comes to mind but on closer inspection Al doesn't quite meet the criteria. Certainly he yells a lot but usually it's in a theatrical, actorly vein. I'm thinking instead of the television and film performers who bring to their apoplexies an air of undiluted violence. The ones who portray characters capable of making you physically uncomfortable and a little bit scared. Ladies and gentlemen I give you...

The Maleficent Five

Temuera Morrison Obviously just going on the basis of Once Were Warriors here. Every time Morrison's character Jake 'The Muss' ambles into a scene you start wincing. He'll beat the shit out of anyone; women, kids, probably animals. Jake's face spends most of the film contorted into a gruesome mask of rage.

Klaus Kinski The real deal. A man who competed with the maniacs he played on screen in a game of one-upmanship. If a script required he scream at someone Klaus would dutifully turn up on set with an actual gun and open fire on the cast. Another true fact: Before Klaus was discovered by Werner Herzog he somehow made a name for himself by getting up on various stages and flying into rages for the amusement of people watching.

Stephen Graham There's only a few scenes in This Is England where the racist brick shithouse Combo completely loses his rag but they are plenty enough. The final reel, in which Combo spends five minutes psyching himself up with a stretch routine before beating a completely innocent man to death is a masterclass in seething rage.

Sol Kyung-Gu A tremendously versatile Korean character actor who trained as a professional wrestler for his role as Japanese depression-era hero Rikidozan in the film of the same name. Sol plays the volatile Rikidozan as a cross between Jake LaMotta and boiling kettle. Life offers no obstacle which Riki cannot smash in the face.

Adewale Akinnouye-Agbaje Aka Simon Adebisi from Oz. It's true that Adebisi's rage manifests in ways other than outward displays of violence (mainly staring at people from his pod while doing his unnerving dance) but from time to time he does throw caution to the wind and have a meltdown. It doesn't hurt that Adewale is the living embodiment of the 'giant negro', as read about in 19th century American newspapers and as seen in the racist fears of every white person's waking subconscious.

Wednesday 22 April 2009

THIS IS WHAT A WRITER LOOKS LIKE

It's official - this is what a writer looks like. I realise that it's a photograph of "Queen of Folk" Joan Baez but I just got back from the London Book Fair where writers pitch to publishers and about 80 percent of the authors looked exactly like her. Why should this be? Does the Baez look somehow facilitate the writing process?

They're everywhere. Her. And her. Definitely her.

Incidentally the best thing I overheard was at the (depressingly huge) Mills and Boon stand where a woman was loudly explaining: "What makes it romantic is that she doesn't know if he's going save her... OR KILL HER!"

Sunday 19 April 2009

THE FACE OF GENIUS

A year or two ago Vanity Fair published a great (and long) article about the history of the Simpsons writing room. It shed a lot of light on who exactly contributed what during the show's 800 year run. One thing that struck me when I was reading it was a guy called Sam Simon - Simpsons' show runner in the early 90s. Unlike almost everyone else mentioned in the piece Simon hadn't been interviewed by the writer of the article. In fact some of the other writers made it sound like Simon was unpleasant to work with: relentless, demanding and uncompromising.

Crucially however it was under Simon's reign that the show sprouted wings and developed the depth that would allow it to have such a freakish lifespan. Before Simon The Simpsons was a show about a family. After Simon it was about a whole town. He was responsible for developing the supporting cast almost in its entirity.

It is also no coincedence that the series which bear Simon's paw prints are the funniest series. The Simpsons has been on a depressing, downward slide for more than a few years now. Maybe it needed to have a hard-ass at its core, rejecting line after line, joke after joke, until the programme was sufficently funny.

I was therefore pleased to see a Wikipedia page has popped up for Sam Simon. There wasn't one before. I checked. Look at his crazy career. Poker ace? Dog Saver? Boxing manager? And the fact he still makes $10m a year from The Simpsons despite not having touched it for a decade is impressive. In any case, all hail Sam Simon - the architect of Springfield.

Saturday 18 April 2009

JACKIE CHAN - GOVERNMENT ENFORCER



Hong Kong film-visionary turned Hollywood comedy prop Jackie Chan spoke out against the danger of allowing Chinese people to vote today. Speaking to an audience of Chinese business leaders at a conference in Hong Kong, Chan admitted that "I'm not sure if it's good to have freedom or not".

"I'm gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled," he said. "If we're not being controlled, we'll just do what we want."

Wait a minute... wut? Is this the same Jackie Oswald Chan who spent decades campaigning for the Hong Kong pro-democracy movement throughout the 90s? There's only one sane conclusion to come to here: Chan is living inside one of his movies. A movie that doesn't yet exist. It's a film in which a well-meaning action hero is hypnotised by an evil regime to act against the will of his own people. All of his fans are broken hearted and confused until a young girl (played by Faye Wong circa 1993) working as a government aide goes against her superiors and gives him back his memory. With his original personality restored Chan has to undo the damage he's done... one punch at a time!

I realise that makes little sense but it's harder than you think to plot a vintage Hong Kong action thriller on the fly.

Thursday 16 April 2009

ASIMOV SHAMES SELF WITH FILTH

It turns out Sci Fi hero Isaac Asimov wrote a story that he hated so much he prevented it from every being properly published. It was called The Portable Star and according to the man himself it was a raunch-fest the likes of which Jilly Cooper can only dream:

I am frequently asked which is my favorite story, but no one ever asks me which is my least favorite story... It is "The Portable Star" that I like the least and that I am even ashamed of. I wasn't aware of what I was doing when I wrote it, but on reading it after it was published it seemed to me that I was deliberately trying to put sex into it to try and keep up with a new trend.

In the August 1952 Startling, you see, Phil Farmer had published "The Lovers," which overnight catapulted him into science-fiction stardom. It had treated sex more openly than was customary in science fiction, and everyone started getting into the act. In "The Portable Star," I did, too, and I did it sleazily.

The only acceptable dimension to the mixing of sex and science fiction is the three-breasted alien in Total Recall. After that you're dealing with this stuff.

Wednesday 15 April 2009

DEVIANTS IN THEIR COMFORT ZONE

Anime is a piece of shit form of artistic expression. Bar a few seminal films/series (Akira, Ghost in the Shell, Serial Experiment Lain) it's the same crap over and over again. Look at this photo series of cosplayers. All fans of Japanese animation look like this. All of them. Don't try and prove otherwise.

For a real gawp into the abyss check out this cosplay forum where members can bitch endlessly about who they think isn't putting enough effort into their styrofoam Naruto shoulder pads.

And while we're at it watch this widely-circulated advertisment for Sakuracon 2009. For those who don't know Sakuracon is a big get-together in the States where basement-dwelling masturbators can stock up on anthropomorphised animal pornography (illustrated). Try and get to the end of the clip without wincing. You can't.

COMMIE PHOTOSHOPS FOOL L.A. TIMES

The LA Times website has a photo essay cooing over how pretty China's lakes, forests and waterfalls are. I hate to break it to them but some of those photographs are about as real as my close personal friendship with Gore Vidal. Every year China's tourist board churns out terrible hardback photo books which purport to show the countryside in all its natural beauty. Anyone with half an hour's experience using PhotoShop can probably tell that these photos have been touched up. If you want an approximation of what China really looks like simply take your laptop into your car and run the exhaust through the window while staring at the photographs.

CHILDREN OF THE CRAVE

Look, I'm not one for grossly-inappropriate, controversial statements but these photographs of kids smoking proves once and for all that cigarettes make you sexy and cool. That's right, these are some sexy, cool children. My favourite is The Eastern European-looking one in the blue scarf. He's intimidating. I don't know whether to pinch his fat cheeks or offer him protection money.

Tuesday 14 April 2009

JAZZMEN LOSING ABILITY TO BULLSHIT

My colleague would be a better fit to write this but since he's gone to the local multiplex to watch Marley and Me by himself, I guess I'll have to do it.

Jazz-bore-in-chief Wynton Marsalis gave a speech in D.C. the other day. The transcript and video are here. Call me old-fashioned but I want my jazz musicians to be one of two things - junkies or mentalists. John Coltrane? Junkie. Pharoa Sanders? Mentalist. Miles Davis? Junkie who became a mentalist.

Let's have a look at what Wynton has to say about music:
All around the world, music links generations old and young, and cultures near and far. So, it’s critical for the nation to reevaluate its priorities during this financial crisis to ensure the best aspects of American culture aren’t lost to younger generations because of scarce funding.
Let's compare that with what Ornette Coleman (a mentalist pretending to be compos mentis) had to say about music:
When you put your sound or your idea into an arena mixed with other things - if what you're saying has a valid place - it's going to find its position in that total thing, and it's going to make that thing much better. You don't have to worry about being a number one, number two, or number three. Numbers don't have anything to do with placement. Numbers only have something to do with repetition... I think that every person, whether they play music or don't play music, has a sound - their own sound. It's like energy. Your sound, your voice, means more to everyone that knows you than how you look tomorrow. You might grow a beard or shave your hair.
That's right, you might grow a beard or shave your hair. Wynton needs to pick up the slack and start talking gibberish or I'm going to have a hard time respecting him once he dies of a heroin overdose.

He is on heroin right?

REPENT NOW

Scientists may call the below image "a rapidly spinning neutron star spewing energy out into the space around it to create complex and intriguing structures" but I call it something a little simpler. I call it The Ever Awesome Hand Of God. Or TEAHOG.

FILMS IN A FRESH LIGHT

Postmodernbarney has written up a bunch of "uncomfortable plot summaries" for movies and television shows.

Nice idea. A few of my favourites - THE GOONIES: Physically abused, retarded man finds love with overweight pre-teen. ROCKY: White man beats black man. ROAD HOUSE: Bouncer becomes vigilante, murders local businessman with karate.

Since blockbusters have been covered here are a few of my suggestions for world cinema - OLD BOY: Korean drunk sleeps with daughter. Eats own tongue as apology. DOWNFALL: Elderly man and his friends driven to suicide by incessant bombing. 2 DAYS IN PARIS: Jewish humour no match for French bombast. ONG BAK: Thai bumpkin upset by city folks' cultural insensitivity. Beats them to death with knees and elbows. PLATFORM: Chinese dance troupe do nothing.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

I'd like to kick things off with an appeal.

I would sincerely like to have more money than I currently have access to. If there's anybody out there with a surfeit of money could they immediately get in contact with me via the email link on this blog.

No donation is too small. Likewise no donation is too big. If you're thinking of using PayPal to send me a large sum of money but believe it may come across as ostentatious or vulgar you needn't worry. There is nothing shameful about "flaunting your wad". Quite the opposite in fact; I would be impressed.

Moreover, if you are concerned about how your money would be spent you can rest assured I would use it in a thoroughly responsible way. Imagine the satisfaction of knowing that somewhere in London a young man is buying himself a season ticket to Madame Tussauds - courtesy of you!