TETRIS: THE NEXT LEVEL

I recently experienced a dry spell in my professional life and as a result ended up playing a lot of online Tetris. Don't judge me. Tetris is mind-sport. It could be argued that hours spent playing Tetris are akin to days spent in a futuristic brain-gym.

In those few months of joblessness Tetris taught me a lot. It taught me about myself - the intricacies of my own mind. It also taught me about the universe, about philosophy and about history. You see, there are no physical or metaphysical phenomena which can not be explained and understood through the game of Tetris. Some people argue that the sum of human existence can be read about in Shakespeare's plays or studied in complex scientific equations. Perhaps. But the past, present and indeed future of our race can be instantly divined through the Blocks Which Fall Forever.

However it occurred to me that as ubiquitous and much-loved as Tetris is, it doesn't have any jargon. No nomenclature. This is a massive oversight. Think about how film makers talk about shooting a scene, or how poker players wax lyrical about flops, rivers and turns. It's all idiomatic. Other, more modern, video games have lots of terminology. Look: the World of Warcraft freaks even have their own dictionaries. Tetris has been overlooked for too long. That changes TODAY.


Tetris fans, or tet-heds as I have decided they are now known, have never previously been able to have an intelligent conversation about Tetris. The English language simply isn't up to the task. Hopefully the words and phrases introduced here will catch on and Ted-Heds from around the world will be able to rally around a shared vocabulary.

According to Wikipedia the Tetris blocks are called tetronimoes. Fine. However, we can do better than the names given to the individual blocks. 'T-block', for example is a wretched, cringing name; entirely unsuited for such a hubristic, showboating block. From this moment on the blocks shall be christened thusly:

The pillar, the column which supports all life. Named hotep after Imhotep, the 2600BC Egyptian architect who made use of columns frequently. Hotep is a crucial, generous block which often changes the flow of a game.

The snake, who tempted Eve into her and all mankind's fall from grace. Named nun - the first letter in the Hebrew word for snake. Nun is often unwelcome and sly.

The strike of lightning, controlled by and symbolic of Thor, the Norse god of thunder. Named molner - a simplified version of Mjollnire, Thor's hammer. Molner is an unpredictable, mercurial block.

The seated man - symbolic of quiet contemplation. Named xiu (pronounced shu) after the Chinese character meaning 'to rest'. Xiu lacks ego.

The praying man - serious, committed, perhaps even zealous. Named conti after the family name of Pope Innocent III - widely considered to be the greatest Pope of the Middle Ages. Conti is an intense presence.

The athlete, able to change and adapt to suit circumstance. Named doyo - after the legendary arena in which the Japanese sumo wrestlers fight. Doyo is dynamic and powerful - perhaps the most versatile block.

The monolith. Unmoving and stubborn. Named uluru, the Aboriginal name for the world's oldest natural monolith - Ayers Rock. Uluru is an unwieldy but potent force.

Here are some terms for use in your conversations about Tetris:

The bablex is the ever-changing structure which is created by tetronimoes while playing. The name is of course taken from the mythical Tower of Babel.

alexay's law, named after the game's creator, refers to the fact that chaos and disorder are inevitable. Consequently players must prepare for the worst at all times - your Bablex is two tetronimos from disarrangement at all times.

A tettac is your Tetris tactic. Your game plan.

The organised, controlled method of play, where blocks are arranged with maximum neatness and with few or no gaps is filing. Filing is the most sensible, effective tettac for beginners but it often shelters players against the realities of Alexay's Law.

first phase is the period of play where the player can freely, engage in conversation, or even eat snacks while. second phase occurs when the blocks begin falling at a level nine or 10 speed. Full concentration is suddenly required. third phase is the equivalent of a mystical revelation - where the player is able to file calmly despite the blinding speed at which the blocks are falling.

This man is flaking

flaking is when a player begins desperately dropping blocks randomly and without due care. This is usually after the game has reached speed level 10 and Second Phase has kicked in.

tepping is the practice of building a Bablex which constantly requires the appearance of Hotep to clear lines. Sustained tepping is a guaranteed road to ruin and is considered a rookie mistake.

Four or more identical, often unadvantageous, blocks appearing one after the other is known as a stutter. This can often lead to players assuming Tetris has some kind of rudimentary, cruel intelligence.

The practice of temporarily stacking blocks inaccurately with the intent to return and eliminate them later is known as backpacking. Advanced players recognise that backpacking is an integral part of the game.