A FLAWED GENIUS

Anyone who regularly uses iTunes will be familiar with the Genius - a bit of Apple software which looks at your music library and then throws up a bunch of other songs you will probably like. Apple are constantly tweaking it to make Genius more effective but I've always been cynical about its powers of prescription.

As a result I've decided to listen to the 10 songs it's recommending me right at this very moment to see how well it knows me. Will I listen in joyful amazement as the sweetest music I've never heard in my life floats out of my laptop speakers or will I simply emerge with a heightened sense of hatred for machines and their smug, corporate creators?

First up on the iTunes Genius list is something called Shoot Your Shot by Divine. This doesn't bode well for the rest of the list - it's the kind of techno they play at Butlins when the kids have gone back to bed. I have no idea why iTunes thinks I would like this. 3/10 (I can just about enjoy it ironically).

Next is Long Red by Mountain. I can get this. Mountain are the kind of band I always thought I should have liked but never actually liked. This song is a perfectly acceptable slice of American 70s rock with an addictive draw organ line. Gets dull quickly though. 6/10

You Can't Say No Forever by Lacrosse. Nice album artwork but this is basically chirpy pop-folk music for mobile phone adverts. Get some balls please. 5/10

Finally a bit of quality courtesy of Dock Boggs' Country Blues. Anyone who thinks they know what every song with the word 'blues' in the title sounds like would do well to check out this fine bit of story-telling set to a driving, mid-tempo banjo accompaniment. 9/10

What, more dance music? Armand Van Helden? A song actually NYC Beat? This is shit iTunes and I have no idea why you think I would like this. This music sounds like what Armand Van Helden looks like. 1/10

Next up we have Cause of Death by venerable Floridian death metal men Obituary. It's good! John Tardy's vocals are vomitous - he sounds very unhappy. And the song does that neat thing where the tempo is slowed right down but is still underpinned by a fast, double kick drum assault. 8/10

Genius goes back to throwing random shit at me to see what sticks. This time it's Twist Myself Again by Booji Boy High. I don't know why but I assumed it was going to be dance hall ragga. It is in fact minimal electronic indie music that sounds like the worst excesses of the Central Saint Martins common room. It takes two minutes before I realise I really hate it. Extremely bad. 2/10

More 70s guitar music provided by the group who's name make them sound like the house band on a late-night chat show - Atlantis. The song is called Living At The End Of Time and it cracks along in its own indulgent, prog-lite way for nigh-on 10 minutes. Good music to cook to I should imagine. 7/10

A House Is Not A Home by a band called Field Music. God, this was so almost good. As a rule I hate when bands with rock drummers also have violin players. It just sounds horrible to my ears. This track has an engaging, slightly deranged rhythm, but it's all for nothing in the end. Boring crap that might be a chart-topping sensation for all I know. 4/10

Last up we have The Fire And The Fury by Firewind. European power metal of the most forgettable, plastic variety. If you live in Athens, have no friends and think Strotavarius are a bit too "raw" then you this is for you. Likewise, if you're a Japanese professional wrestler looking for an entrance theme you'd do well to look into Firewind's back catalogue. The fact that these guys have also covered Maniac (of Flashdance fame) should tell you everything you need to know about them. 4/10

So there we have it. Averaging out at around 4/10 I think the men and women at iTunes have some way to go before they can claim to have a handle on my musical tastes.

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GLASTNOST FOR MCDONALDS WORKERS

I was a big fan of the Starbucks Gossip blog a few years ago - before it got a little samey. Imagine how happy I was to discover an equivalent McDonald's blog. Essentially it's a place where company employees can talk to other McDrones about why they hate their job, when they first started hating their job, and how, if push came to shove, they would totally force that fat bitch Michelle's face into the fat fryer. One thread is actually called "I hate it and I don't know how much longer I can last".

There are the occasionally little rays of light however, such as this gem:

Whenever I order a Big Mac meal, I tend to eat the french fries first, and only after they are finished, I take the first bite off my burger. However, I noticed that most people eat their burgers first, or eat the fries and the burger together.

Sorry friend. You may have what appears to be a completely un-ironic picture of Sarah Palin as your user profile but your revolting McEtiquette singles you out as a pariah. Society will not ever accept you.

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TETRIS: THE NEXT LEVEL

I recently experienced a dry spell in my professional life and as a result ended up playing a lot of online Tetris. Don't judge me. Tetris is mind-sport. It could be argued that hours spent playing Tetris are akin to days spent in a futuristic brain-gym.

In those few months of joblessness Tetris taught me a lot. It taught me about myself - the intricacies of my own mind. It also taught me about the universe, about philosophy and about history. You see, there are no physical or metaphysical phenomena which can not be explained and understood through the game of Tetris. Some people argue that the sum of human existence can be read about in Shakespeare's plays or studied in complex scientific equations. Perhaps. But the past, present and indeed future of our race can be instantly divined through the Blocks Which Fall Forever.

However it occurred to me that as ubiquitous and much-loved as Tetris is, it doesn't have any jargon. No nomenclature. This is a massive oversight. Think about how film makers talk about shooting a scene, or how poker players wax lyrical about flops, rivers and turns. It's all idiomatic. Other, more modern, video games have lots of terminology. Look: the World of Warcraft freaks even have their own dictionaries. Tetris has been overlooked for too long. That changes TODAY.


Tetris fans, or tet-heds as I have decided they are now known, have never previously been able to have an intelligent conversation about Tetris. The English language simply isn't up to the task. Hopefully the words and phrases introduced here will catch on and Ted-Heds from around the world will be able to rally around a shared vocabulary.

According to Wikipedia the Tetris blocks are called tetronimoes. Fine. However, we can do better than the names given to the individual blocks. 'T-block', for example is a wretched, cringing name; entirely unsuited for such a hubristic, showboating block. From this moment on the blocks shall be christened thusly:

The pillar, the column which supports all life. Named hotep after Imhotep, the 2600BC Egyptian architect who made use of columns frequently. Hotep is a crucial, generous block which often changes the flow of a game.

The snake, who tempted Eve into her and all mankind's fall from grace. Named nun - the first letter in the Hebrew word for snake. Nun is often unwelcome and sly.

The strike of lightning, controlled by and symbolic of Thor, the Norse god of thunder. Named molner - a simplified version of Mjollnire, Thor's hammer. Molner is an unpredictable, mercurial block.

The seated man - symbolic of quiet contemplation. Named xiu (pronounced shu) after the Chinese character meaning 'to rest'. Xiu lacks ego.

The praying man - serious, committed, perhaps even zealous. Named conti after the family name of Pope Innocent III - widely considered to be the greatest Pope of the Middle Ages. Conti is an intense presence.

The athlete, able to change and adapt to suit circumstance. Named doyo - after the legendary arena in which the Japanese sumo wrestlers fight. Doyo is dynamic and powerful - perhaps the most versatile block.

The monolith. Unmoving and stubborn. Named uluru, the Aboriginal name for the world's oldest natural monolith - Ayers Rock. Uluru is an unwieldy but potent force.

Here are some terms for use in your conversations about Tetris:

The bablex is the ever-changing structure which is created by tetronimoes while playing. The name is of course taken from the mythical Tower of Babel.

alexay's law, named after the game's creator, refers to the fact that chaos and disorder are inevitable. Consequently players must prepare for the worst at all times - your Bablex is two tetronimos from disarrangement at all times.

A tettac is your Tetris tactic. Your game plan.

The organised, controlled method of play, where blocks are arranged with maximum neatness and with few or no gaps is filing. Filing is the most sensible, effective tettac for beginners but it often shelters players against the realities of Alexay's Law.

first phase is the period of play where the player can freely, engage in conversation, or even eat snacks while. second phase occurs when the blocks begin falling at a level nine or 10 speed. Full concentration is suddenly required. third phase is the equivalent of a mystical revelation - where the player is able to file calmly despite the blinding speed at which the blocks are falling.

This man is flaking

flaking is when a player begins desperately dropping blocks randomly and without due care. This is usually after the game has reached speed level 10 and Second Phase has kicked in.

tepping is the practice of building a Bablex which constantly requires the appearance of Hotep to clear lines. Sustained tepping is a guaranteed road to ruin and is considered a rookie mistake.

Four or more identical, often unadvantageous, blocks appearing one after the other is known as a stutter. This can often lead to players assuming Tetris has some kind of rudimentary, cruel intelligence.

The practice of temporarily stacking blocks inaccurately with the intent to return and eliminate them later is known as backpacking. Advanced players recognise that backpacking is an integral part of the game.

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YOUR GUIDE TO MIXED MARTIAL ARTS PART I

Not the norm. Honest

Mixed martial arts is my favourite sport. There I said it. You can keep your rainy football pitches, your wickets, your slam dunks and, uh, your ice skates. I've seen the light, and it's filtered through a haze of bloody mist. I've heard the criticism (it's dull/it's brutal/it's thinly veiled gay porn), and to the naysayers I simply shake my head and offer them my hand.

"Come with me," I say. "Soon you will know what I know."

Enjoying MMA isn't as hard as you might think. People's heads get caved in a lot less than you probably anticipate. Debilitating spinal injuries occurring mid-match are almost unheard of. Audience members in the front rows do not usually leave the arena soaked in gore.

But why should you give a shit about two men who have agreed to "pound on" each other for money? Surely MMA is the basest, least edifying spectacle we as a species are capable of producing? Well, no. Mixed martial arts has as much artistry, depth and spectacle as any sport you'd care to mention. Yes, even competitive eating. The key to appreciating it is learning about the bizarre, but lovable characters at its core.

This list of fighters is in no particular order. It's not based on merit, chronology or any kind of significance other than the fact that if I were to assemble a strike force of augmented superhumans to take down a government I would probably use these guys as my starting point. Here is part one:

IGOR VOVCHANCHYN
During the late 90s and early 00s the sport of mixed martial arts had to fight to be taken seriously. Critics bore down on it from every angle, claiming that something so violent should be outlawed and not invited into the mainstream. The mixed martial arts establishment countered by saying the sport had evolved and the wanton brutality of yesteryear was never coming back. We can only imagine that while saying this, said establishment was praying the critics never stumbled across any of Igor's fights. A 5'7 heavyweight with hands that could drop an elephant, Vovchanchyn represented the pitiless, destructive element of MMA which to this day makes people queasy.

What made Igor especially scary was his air of nonchalance. He would patiently stalk his understandably jittery opponents around the ring like a man who would like to go to bed but must first swat a noisy fly. Igor's foes would inevitably find themselves backed into a corner, at which point Vovchanchyn would decimate them with a wildly inaccurate but devastating volley of looping punches. When the smoke cleared Igor's opponent would usually be lying motionless, face-down.

Fun Fact As a young man Igor was known for his short temper. The people who lived in the same village as him (who we can assume were constantly nursing broken faces) had a special bell they would ring if he was in a bad mood.
Fight to Watch His bout against Francisco Bueno at PRIDE 8. Textbook Vovchanchyn. This fight instantly gave Igor a huge fan base in Japan.
Strengths Endless patience and cement-like fists.
Weaknesses Absolutely no abilities beyond his admittedly phenomenal talent for punching people hard in the face.

KAZUSHI SAKURABA
When MMA was trying to find its feet in Japan promoters would frequently sign established stars of the pro wrestling world to one-fight contracts. They were hoping against hope that at least one of the wrestlers would cross-over successfully and bring his ready-made fanbase with him. Unfortunately none did, and while this made for an hilarious blooper reel-like sequence of roided-up Japanese musclemen being summarily executed by faintly baffled Americans, it made for depressing viewing for the financial backers of the MMA promotions who needed a Japanese star to make the sport commercially viable.

Sakuraba was not what they had in mind. For a start he wasn't popular - he was basically the whipping boy of his pro wrestling organisation. Secondly, at 180lbs and with a face that didn't exactly say 'superstar' he didn't look the part. Still, by 1998 promoters were willing to try anybody if they were Japanese and foolhardy enough to climb into a ring and potentially ruin their own careers in front of 10,000 people. Saku took the risk and never looked back. A prodigiously talented master technician, Sakuraba had the ability to not only beat guys twice his size, but actually run rings around them.

The IQ Wrestler, as he came to be known, would control his bigger, more aggressive opponents like a matador. The image of a diminutive Japanese man playing with scary foreigners was one which predictably tested well with the home audience and Sakuraba was a superstar in no time. Unfortunately at some point around 2002 the promoters apparently began labouring under the misapprehension that Sakuraba was in fact invincible and he was pitted against a series of opponents too big and too skilled to allow for Sakuraba's magic. The results were as predictable as they were unpleasant to watch.

Fun Fact Pre-Sakuraba the Brazilian Gracie family were the top dogs of MMA. The Japanese wrestler became a legend by beating them one by one, earning the name 'Gracie Hunter' in the process. Yeah, he had two nicknames. Deal with it.
Fight to Watch Sakuraba's 90 minute epic showdown with totemic Gracie champion Royce is still the longest MMA match ever. Here are the highlights.
Strengths Flawless gameplans and fluid, intuitive submissions.
Weaknesses Hard drinking lifestyle took its toll. Suicidal inability to turn down fights in which he will almost certainly be pulverised.

RANDY COUTURE
Before Randy 'The Natural' Couture decided he wanted to be an actor (he got about this far) he was the quintessential fighter's fighter. Yes, he was old and somewhat gnarled. Yes, he would refrain from pre-fight trash talking and in-ring showboating. But he was a gentleman damned it, and there's something inherently satisfying about seeing the good guy get the job done. Couture approached his fights like Harry Callahan approaches a Mexican crack house. No, it wasn't a nice job, and yes there would be some mess, but there comes a time when a man must lay down the law. For a few years Couture was laying down the law on a regular basis.

Couture's style was a no-nonsense blend of hold-them-down-and-beat-them-up mixed with the tenacity of a hobo fighting for soup. He would come into every fight looking like the underdog. Once he was into his 40s pundits were writing him off every time he was even mooted for an event. Once in the ring however Couture would use his Olympic wrestling skills to neutralise whatever he was up against. Like a man being shown a single episode of Sex in the City on infinite loop his opponents would visibly lose the will to go on. It didn't matter if you came armed with 20 new-fangled submissions and an arsenal of somersault roundhouse kicks - you were going to end up flat on your back and Couture was going to be slowly punching your head into a new shape.

Fun Fact Randy Couture is the oldest man to win a MMA title.
Fight to Watch His workmanlike drubbing of excruciating "bad boy" Tito Ortiz will warm the cockles of your heart. Here is the final round.
Strengths Seemingly indefatigable. Wrestles in the same way most people walk/breathe.
Weaknesses Complete lack of flair. Predilection for terrible action films.

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ONE NATION UNDER AN OFFICIALLY-SANCTIONED GROOVE

Loves balls. Hates sticks

As expected the Obama White House is the HIPPEST and JIVINGEST White House ever. Not only do they have a White House Youtube channel (not impressive in itself - the Queen has one), they have a piece of funky White House theme music! Listen out for it at the end of this video.

It's like a sitcom continuity link. I want to hear a nine-minute version set to an HD promo where Barack strides around the White House. He high-fives interns, gives Joe Biden a double-hand finger point and mouths the lyrics to Snoop's What's My Muthafucking Name? at Rahm Emanual while he's trying to make a phonecall to the Chinese Premier.

The song needs a name. I'd say it sounds like a Sweet Voodoo or a Black Spice. Maybe something even more anodyne like Top to Bottom. Any suggestions?

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