GADDAFI: WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?

At this very moment Italian politicians are allegedly trying to find Colonel Muammar Gaddafi a way out of Libya. Reports suggest he may be granted asylum in another African country.

If these plans were to fall through here are six suggestions the Colonel might want to consider:

COUNTRY France
JOB Bistro-dwelling writer / alcoholic
ASSUMED NAME Augustin Lavroche
LIKES Publishing slim volumes of poetry. Discussing la condition de la Francaise while smoking rolled-up cigarettes. Leching over teenage girls in the town square.
DISLIKES Crushing ennui. Le petit salaud Sarkozy. These new authors who write like peasants.

COUNTRY Britain
JOB Controversial news pundit
ASSUMED NAME Malcolm Fadge
LIKES Telling the Question Time audience they "don't have all the facts". Making Chantelle from Big Brother cry when they both appear on Celebrity Come Dine With Me.
DISLIKES People who bang on about the Holocaust. Polly Toynbee calling his Fadge The Facts column in the Sunday Express "a weekly purge of unreconstructed fascism".

COUNTRY Colombia
JOB Judge on Colombian Idol
ASSUMED NAME Danny Pintomunoz
LIKES Flamboyant hand gestures. Calling women "fat bitches". Referring to his 1986 smash hit single Jumbo Jumbo Let's Get Jumbo. Cocaine
DISLIKES Ugliness. Girls in jeans. The other judges on Colombian Idol, especially the whore Nina Vasquez.

COUNTRY America
JOB Talk radio host
ASSUMED NAME Lou "Lou-Boy" Fauttuso
LIKES Steering conversations around to the subject of race and immigration. Novelty horn sound FX. Cutting callers off mid-sentence. Ridiculing his sidekick Gooey Mike on-air.
DISLIKES Healthcare. His stomach ulcer. Stuck-up women who don't earn shit but act all superior.

COUNTRY International Waters
JOB Pirate King
ASSUMED NAME Cap'n Strangeface
LIKES Leading the nomadic water tribes of Africa to great victory against the vile, imperial French fishing expeditions. His special crew of voluptuous, Ukranian cabin boys. Elaborate and thoughtfully-customised military uniforms.
DISLIKES Sea air making his hair go frizzy. Everything seems less fun with scurvy.

COUNTRY Deep space
JOB The unsleeping cosmic mind
ASSUMED NAME Nameless and intangible
LIKES Knowing everything and nothing. Existing beyond the realm of conceivability. Playfully disregarding the concept of "time".
DISLIKES Long periods spent alone. Seeing galaxies born, produce life and then die gets boring after a couple of times.