ARNOLD GOES TO RIO

About 30 years ago someone decided to send celebrated anti-actor Arnold Schwarzenegger to Rio De Janeiro. We shall never know why. All we know is that while Arnie was there he made an oddly sincere, yet wholly execrable documentary about the experience.

It would be easy to meekly point the finger of blame at Arnie himself. But this is hardly fair. Like a richer, stronger Paddy McGuinness going through the wrong door and ending up on Newsnight Review, Arnold is simply trying his best. It's not his fault that the "documentary" has no structure and looks like a soft-core pornographic film. It's not his fault that the whole thing is just five minutes long. And it's not his fault he's been corralled into teasing an on-screen romance with a woman (his guide) who looks both repulsed and terrified by him.

The film does however contain Arnold Schwarzenegger's greatest ever line of dialogue, delivered at 2:11. And yes it's even better than the wonderful "cumming" monologue from Pumping Iron (quoted here for posterity): "I am, like, getting the feeling of cumming in the gym, I'm getting the feeling of cumming at home, I'm getting the feeling of cumming backstage when I pump up. When I pose out in front of five thousand people, I get the same feeling, so I am cumming day and night."