Since the economic crisis last year, sales of Ayn Rand’s turgid slog of a novel Atlas Shrugged have soared. As the memory of a functioning economy slides ever further into the past, now is apparently a good time to remind yourself of the need for greed and self-interest. The book is over eleven hundred pages long and so poorly written that it left me longing for Jillie Cooper’s deft pastoral touch, Dan Brown’s unrivalled insight and Jeffrey Archer’s honesty. But I’m sure that it’s the book’s message - that capitalists are a superior form of life who owe nothing to the insect-like humans who surround them - that is the key to its appeal.So it’s good news for everyone that MGM and Paramount have announced that they’re going to adapt the book for the screen in the immediate future. Charlize Theron is set to star. Since the book is so enormous and because Rand’s fans are such wide-eyed cultists no one would dare to cut the book down in any noticeable way. The plan is to make it into a mini-series. I actually quite like the idea; I wish the series had been made a year ago – I’d have saved the three days of my life that I spent reading the book. There is only one problem with the idea of making a screen version though: there’s absolutely no fucking way on God’s earth that the book is filmable. Here are five representative reasons why:
5 - Plot, or lack of
This is probably the issue that should concern the producers most. Despite reading like the most half-assed airport novel ever, the book doesn’t even pretend to have a plot to go with. Here’s the plot in full: due to a malicious cabal of officials and ‘evil’ industrialists, governmental control over industry is increasing to the point that ‘good’ industrialists decide to strike and live in a magical gulch in the Colorado Rockies. Fin.
The story focuses on two of the good industrialists (Dagny and Reardan) who, for some reason, haven’t been asked to participate in the strike. They spend 1000 pages being productive, doing ‘equations’ (a favourite of Rand’s) and running their businesses in a generalised kind of way. They become increasingly concerned about their friends disappearing. Eventually they are also asked to participate in the strike at which point they, the last two capitalists, go to the invisible gulch and leave the world to the inevitable chaos. This is not a plot. Maybe they’ll throw in some explosions or dragons or something and make it worthwhile. Even a bit of light product placement would enhance the fun. Seriously, anything. Please.
4 - Society
Atlas Shrugged was written in 1957 when the world was a little different. The US economy was powering ahead on the back of locally-owned big industry. Meanwhile, the rest of the world was busy implementing ‘socialistical’ policies like free healthcare or schooling. Rand felt that what had made the West great was unfettered producer-capitalism, and what would drag the West down was government control and a ‘need not greed’ mentality. The fact is that this vision doesn’t make any sense half a century later. Instead of building railroads or developing new metals, your average capitalist of today is prattling away about branding and corporate synergy. Consumer capitalism is simply not as sympathetic as the older form of industry.
On the other side, socialism isn’t the threat it was. This all begs the question whether they’re going to try and update the novel’s message. Will Dagny Taggart spend her time discussing infuriatingly non-specific corporate ideals while managing an international platform corporation that specialises in taking advantage of cheap labour in one part of the world to sell trainers in another part? Is there any way that you persuade viewers that she somehow enriched the world with her presence? Cheap trainers? No. Of course not. They’ll take the fall and keep it 1950s. If they’re smart they’ll play it up Mad Men style. It's about the only way to polish this turd into something respectable.
3 - Telepathy
For some reason, in the novel, all the ‘good’ capitalists can immediately sense the presence of another good capitalist. This is true even if the other character is working as an inspector on a train or flipping burgers in the mountains (both examples actually in the book). Apparently they can just sense it. Conversely, they can tell an evil capitalist - like Dagny’s brother James or Orren Boyle - just by talking to them. Bad capitalists spend their time working with the government and staging hostile takeovers of the businesses of the good capitalists, who are too busy enriching their communities through their selfless pursuit of profit. I have no idea how they’ll show the telepathy onscreen. Hopefully they’ll go the Phantom Menace route and have Hank Rearden invent a machine that can sense whether someone’s a good capitalist by sensing the number of midichlorians in the bloodstream.
2 - That speech
The book is over 1100 pages long. One of the most notoriously crap bits is when, having clawed your way through 1000 pages of heavy handed message, Rand suddenly goes one up on you and hits you when you’re down with an uninterrupted 70 page philosophy essay on the principles of Objectivism - Rand’s philosophy. What’s worse is that it’s a third rate philosophy essay that whimpers along, railing against the ‘mystics’ and socialists without ever attempting to convince anyone. Rant might be a better word than essay. Fans of the book love it. It’s the core philosophy of ‘John Galt’, Rand’s Apollonius of Tyana figure who is leading the strike (I was going to say Jesus-figure, but that would be missing the point).
Quite simply, I can’t imagine any fan being anything other than furious if the rant was left out. There’d be chaos in the chat rooms (that’s where Rand fans get their most valid life experiences), no one would buy the DVDs, the whole enterprise would be a disaster. On the other hand, I can’t imagine that there’s any producer out there who’s shitfuck stupid enough to allow a miniseries to be aired where an entire episode is just a man talking over the radio about his philosophy. Also, pity the poor screenwriter who’d have to adapt it for viewing. Angry Lord of the Rings fans raging about how Peter Jackson left out Tom Bombadil are nothing on angry Objectivists.
1 Sex
Okay, so the speech is the biggest sticking point for the industry, and the rambling non-plot is probably the biggest issue for ordinary viewers, but for me, the hardest part of the book to adapt is going to be the sex. There’s something specially inept about the way that Ayn Rand deals with sex. She obviously felt that her heroes had to be full of the exuberance of life in contrast to the gloomy people around them: they’d be the only ones to enjoy sex. Since Dagny Taggart and Hank Rearden are titans of industry, they must also be titans of intercourse. The only problem is that Rand just can’t bring herself to do it. Atlas Shrugged is full of sex, but it has no sex scenes. I don’t whether she was squeamish, or whether she was trying to only show a sexual meeting of great minds or something, but the only sex in the book is just generalities. Generalities and violence. Rand has to go to such stupid lengths to avoid actually writing sex scenes that most of the scenes that are there are really just violent sexual abuse. Not in an obsessive sadomasochistic way either, just violent and inane. What’s Hollywood going to do?
INT: REARDEN’S ROOM
Rearden and Dagny stare lovingly into each other’s eyes
SLOW FADE TO BLACK
The next day. Dagny strides purposely into her office. CLOSE UP on her two black eyes
That’d be playing it straight. Or they could go all art house and Last Tango in Paris, but that wouldn’t really work with characters as weak as these. Maybe they could just forget about it and go for good old fashioned on-screen sex. At least there’d be one reason to watch the series.
This is probably the issue that should concern the producers most. Despite reading like the most half-assed airport novel ever, the book doesn’t even pretend to have a plot to go with. Here’s the plot in full: due to a malicious cabal of officials and ‘evil’ industrialists, governmental control over industry is increasing to the point that ‘good’ industrialists decide to strike and live in a magical gulch in the Colorado Rockies. Fin.
The story focuses on two of the good industrialists (Dagny and Reardan) who, for some reason, haven’t been asked to participate in the strike. They spend 1000 pages being productive, doing ‘equations’ (a favourite of Rand’s) and running their businesses in a generalised kind of way. They become increasingly concerned about their friends disappearing. Eventually they are also asked to participate in the strike at which point they, the last two capitalists, go to the invisible gulch and leave the world to the inevitable chaos. This is not a plot. Maybe they’ll throw in some explosions or dragons or something and make it worthwhile. Even a bit of light product placement would enhance the fun. Seriously, anything. Please.
4 - Society
Atlas Shrugged was written in 1957 when the world was a little different. The US economy was powering ahead on the back of locally-owned big industry. Meanwhile, the rest of the world was busy implementing ‘socialistical’ policies like free healthcare or schooling. Rand felt that what had made the West great was unfettered producer-capitalism, and what would drag the West down was government control and a ‘need not greed’ mentality. The fact is that this vision doesn’t make any sense half a century later. Instead of building railroads or developing new metals, your average capitalist of today is prattling away about branding and corporate synergy. Consumer capitalism is simply not as sympathetic as the older form of industry.
On the other side, socialism isn’t the threat it was. This all begs the question whether they’re going to try and update the novel’s message. Will Dagny Taggart spend her time discussing infuriatingly non-specific corporate ideals while managing an international platform corporation that specialises in taking advantage of cheap labour in one part of the world to sell trainers in another part? Is there any way that you persuade viewers that she somehow enriched the world with her presence? Cheap trainers? No. Of course not. They’ll take the fall and keep it 1950s. If they’re smart they’ll play it up Mad Men style. It's about the only way to polish this turd into something respectable.
3 - Telepathy
Good or evil ? If you have to ask...
2 - That speech
The book is over 1100 pages long. One of the most notoriously crap bits is when, having clawed your way through 1000 pages of heavy handed message, Rand suddenly goes one up on you and hits you when you’re down with an uninterrupted 70 page philosophy essay on the principles of Objectivism - Rand’s philosophy. What’s worse is that it’s a third rate philosophy essay that whimpers along, railing against the ‘mystics’ and socialists without ever attempting to convince anyone. Rant might be a better word than essay. Fans of the book love it. It’s the core philosophy of ‘John Galt’, Rand’s Apollonius of Tyana figure who is leading the strike (I was going to say Jesus-figure, but that would be missing the point).
Quite simply, I can’t imagine any fan being anything other than furious if the rant was left out. There’d be chaos in the chat rooms (that’s where Rand fans get their most valid life experiences), no one would buy the DVDs, the whole enterprise would be a disaster. On the other hand, I can’t imagine that there’s any producer out there who’s shitfuck stupid enough to allow a miniseries to be aired where an entire episode is just a man talking over the radio about his philosophy. Also, pity the poor screenwriter who’d have to adapt it for viewing. Angry Lord of the Rings fans raging about how Peter Jackson left out Tom Bombadil are nothing on angry Objectivists.
1 Sex
Okay, so the speech is the biggest sticking point for the industry, and the rambling non-plot is probably the biggest issue for ordinary viewers, but for me, the hardest part of the book to adapt is going to be the sex. There’s something specially inept about the way that Ayn Rand deals with sex. She obviously felt that her heroes had to be full of the exuberance of life in contrast to the gloomy people around them: they’d be the only ones to enjoy sex. Since Dagny Taggart and Hank Rearden are titans of industry, they must also be titans of intercourse. The only problem is that Rand just can’t bring herself to do it. Atlas Shrugged is full of sex, but it has no sex scenes. I don’t whether she was squeamish, or whether she was trying to only show a sexual meeting of great minds or something, but the only sex in the book is just generalities. Generalities and violence. Rand has to go to such stupid lengths to avoid actually writing sex scenes that most of the scenes that are there are really just violent sexual abuse. Not in an obsessive sadomasochistic way either, just violent and inane. What’s Hollywood going to do?
INT: REARDEN’S ROOM
Rearden and Dagny stare lovingly into each other’s eyes
SLOW FADE TO BLACK
The next day. Dagny strides purposely into her office. CLOSE UP on her two black eyes
That’d be playing it straight. Or they could go all art house and Last Tango in Paris, but that wouldn’t really work with characters as weak as these. Maybe they could just forget about it and go for good old fashioned on-screen sex. At least there’d be one reason to watch the series.
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