A MISSIVE TO COUNT GRISHNAKH

The controversial Norwegian musician and writer Varg Vikernes was released from prison last week. I say controversial. He's just a murderous arsonist who's opinions on race and national identity make some people uncomfortable. And by some people I mean everybody on Earth, excepting about three dozen acne-scarred, self-styled 'Nietzchean Supermen' who hate Jews almost as much as they hate Peter Jackson for making The Lord Of The Rings so mainstream.

Look at him in the picture, walking among das normalvolk, scared of how the world has changed since he was last free, 15 years ago. It's a new world Varg. Here are some tips which may help you adjust to 21st century society.

First of all Varg you've got to get back into the music game. You made a couple of really great albums back in the day (before the guards took away your guitar and you were forced to go 'modern classical') and I really think you can recapture the old Burzum magic. However, you're getting old. You can't really be a rocker any more and besides, black metal is boring now. So I suggest you follow the path blazed by Peter Gabriel and Brian Eno and become a kind of world-music philanthropist. Those two are always popping up on television, doing benefit gigs and hanging out with Desmond Tutu or the Dalai Lama. You need that kind of exposure.

Secondly you should know that your predictions about a master race of elven/Aryan humans rising to power never came true. You might find this hard to deal with initially but basically everything you've told yourself you believe in since being incarcerated is a massive crock of shit. It's time to turn the page on that period of your life Varg. Think of aryosophy simply as a hobby you kept up while in prison to pass the time. Like ping-pong or 'pragging'.

Finally Varg I would you suggest that you eat a big slice of chill cake. Remember when you were originally up for parole and instead of behaving yourself and getting an early release you chose to fill a car up with guns and got caught trying to flee the country in the most inept fashion possible? That's the kind of thing you should stop doing. If you're careful with your public persona for the next couple of years, write a few books not about Pagan Nazism, you could be on the chat show circuit by 2015. I know that secretly reviewing films on the Norwegian version of the Culture Show is exactly what you want.