REVISITING STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE

Remember the Street Fighter film? Remember how sad it made you? The feeling of disappointment? Yes. Me too. But now, a decade and a bit later, I realise the makers of the film were in fact doing as all a huge service. They had taken - abducted - something which was dear to every one of us. They had got our hopes up and promised the world. Then, just when our child-like hopes were highest, they revealed a disintergrating mountain of cinematic faeces. Every aspect of it was appalling.

As we sat there staring up at the screen trying to comprehend what was happening to our childhood, we were of course learning a couple of valuable life lessons. Firstly, never get your hopes up. Some asshole will just miscast Jean Claude Van Damme and ruin everything. Secondly, screw the mainstream, and never trust it to do justice to anything you care about.

So Street Fighter: The Movie wasn't so much a film as it was a traumatic event that built character. However, years have passed (as well as one equally dire spin-off) and maybe it is time for us to confront our demons. We know that a Street Fighter film - a good one - is owed to all of us. It would provide ultimate closure. For it to work however, it would have to have a cast worthy of the franchise. Each actor would have to fit the role like a glove. This is that cast:

SAGAT
Secretly everyone's favourite character, Sagat was a powerful, arrogant monster who - according to the game - was from Thailand. I've never been to Thailand but I have met Thai people and I can report that physically they have very little in common with Sagat. We can therefore look beyond Thailand for our Sagat. I've settled on awful-pro wrestler-turned-even-worse mixed martial artist Nathan Jones. Why? Look at the photo. Add an eye patch and a scar and you're done.

GUILE
We all know Guile deserves better than a coke-fueled Belgian. The American GI with his grimly fascinating haircut turned out to be one of the most enduring video game characters of all time. That's why the guy roped in to play him has to have screen presence. He has to have all the qualities of Marlon Brando in Streetcar but also be able to perform backflip kicks on command. When he utters the classic put-down "GO HOME AND BE A FAMILY MAN" the audience should feel that he really means it - whatever it is that that line means. The only actor with the chops to pull this off as far as I'm concerned is Dolph Lundgren.

RYU
A tricky one. Ryu (or Raiyooo as we all called him) lacked any discernible personality. He was stoic. That's about it as far as I remember. Step forward UFC workhorse Lyoto Machida - a half-Japanese Shotokan karate fighter who is a dead ringer for the game's frowny protagonist. Machida is also perfect because as far as I know he has no acting ability whatsoever - a definite plus for playing a character who's emotional depth extends as far as a red headband.

M BISON
Bison is an intriguing character - he is a fascist dictator and controls a malevolent force called "Psycho Power". Admit it, that's intriguing. Hilariously Bison's character in the contemptible Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li was "reimagined" as an Irish-American businessman who, instead of the iconic red outfit with peaked cap and cape, opts for sensible blue business suits. Hey Hollywood, why not go the whole hog and re-imagine him out of existence all together? In any case the actor who plays Bison should be a dominating, sinister presence. Someone like Charles Bronson, specifically craggy-faced Charles Bronson circa 1975. A glowering, scowling man in life and on-screen, Bronson would be a natural fit for the despotic psycho crusher.

BLANKA
A throwaway if ever there was one. In my mind him being an electricity-generating beast made a mockery of the World Warrior tournament's mission statement to find the world's strongest person. In a new Street Fighter movie I would pitch hard to not have Blanka created in CGI, instead casting Slater from Saved By The Bell (an actor who's name I have no intention of knowing). As a young boy Slater's appearance reminded me very much of Blanka. I'd like to see him go green-face.

CHUN LI
Another stone-cold design classic. Chun Li had more personality in one of her glorious thighs than all subsequent "woman fighter" characters had in their collective, pneumatic bodies. Unfortunately she was light on backstory (someone had murdered her something-or-other) and as far as I know no one actually ever played as her. Still, a SFII film lacking Chun Li would be like Sibelius' Fifth Symphony without that glitchcore techno interlude in the reprise, so step forwards well-endowed Japanese glamour model Eiko Koike. You are Chun Li. Hopefully casting a Japanese for a Chinese will reignite that whole Memoirs of a Geisha controversary.

KEN
As much as it pains me to say it, our new Street Fighter Film might provide gainful employment for Sean Williams-Scott. It makes sense though. Ken is your average Japanese person's mental image of an American - brash, forever giving the thumbs up, and as blonde as a Swedish albino in a peroxide vat. Williams-Scott fits the bill and there's always a chance that in our film Ken will die violently in the first act. A strong chance.

ZANGIEF
Mad as a pebble, steroidy Soviet grappler Zangief has always been viewed as a video games joke. No projectile offense, slow movement speed, woefully impractical fighting gear, what does Zangief have going for him? Neatly-maintained chest hair? An 'alternative-lifestyle' beard-and-mohawk hairstyle combo? No, he has a spinning fucking piledriver - a super-move years before super-moves were even invented. Accordingly Zangief should be performing a spinning piledriver on somebody every time he is on screen. And who will play Zangief? None other than French rugby union star and celebrity poker mainstay Sebastien Chabal!

E HONDA
Beautiful Eddie Honda. How fast could he slap you with his hand? How about fucking fast? How about so fast that you couldn't even see his god-damned arm? Honda's a good character for a film because he dovetails two crucial roles into one obese package - namely the older guy with a heart of gold and the comedy fat person. In terms of casting, the easy option would be a large Japanese man. However, Lundgren aside, our film currently lacks the heavy-artillery of the acting world. Hence Michael Sheen. Let's see how far his vaunted method-acting skills can take him.

DHALSIM
Despite the best efforts of the game's developers the whole Dhalsim thing never really caught on. In the first incarnation of Street Fighter II he was already able to breathe fire and stretch. He was unpopular however, so latterly he was given the ability to teleport all the way across the screen. Still no one wanted to play as him. You know why? Yoga. Kids don't want anything to do with a skinny man who's powers are derived from low-impact stretching exercises. As a result Dhalsim's role will be limited to a small walk-on part where he uses his fire breath to light an uncooperative barbecue. He will be played by one of the great muscular-skinny men of our time - The Wire's Cedric Daniels.