GOD-KING OF CELLULOID MADNESS RETURNS

This morning, as I stood on Yarmouth Bay looking out at the sea, an awful chill went through my bones. I felt the harrowing presence of an approaching catastrophe deep in my heart, and saw myriad omens suggesting a lamentable fate for the peoples of this land was at hand.

I hurried home, desperate to somehow waylay the godless havoc that was drawing closer. Hoping to be disproved, I threw open the day's edition of the local chronicle and saw this headline:

MEL GIBSON TO RECREATE THE VIKING INVASION OF BRITAIN FOR LATEST MOVIE

This is great news obviously. Did you see his last one? Gibson directing a film about the ruthless pillaging and indiscriminate slaughter of the Viking Age is a match made in heaven. He's shown us time and time again that when it comes to historical recreation, nothing and that includes factual accuracy - should get in the way of relentless, unflinching gore. In keeping with the last two films of what I hope will one day be called his Trilogy of Pain, the forthcoming Viking film will be scripted in a language that no one speaks: Old Norse.

Is there a genre name for Gibson's oeuvre? The brutal epic? Horror history? Whatever future film critics settle on, they better recognise the genius of the man soon. "I want a Viking to scare you," he said of his latest venture recently. "I want to see somebody who I have never seen before speaking low, guttural German who scares the living shit out of me coming up to my house."

Who knows what he's talking about there, but it's encouraging stuff. This film will also let Mel indulge in another of his trademarks: the persecution of Christians in slow motion. Expect plenty of men with filthy, braided beards cleaving babies in two, while white-clad women clutch crucifixes and weep.

My only suggestion's an obvious one. Mel should push producers to cast internet hero Techno Viking in a walk-on (or dance-on) role. Actually, I have a feeling Mel's producers are bed-ridden nonagenarians. He just pops in every few years and shouts "HEY I'M JUST GONNA GO MAKE A FILM ABOUT MAYANS OR INCANS OR SOMETHING. DID YOU KNOW THEY ATE HEARTS!?" Then they sign off on it and go back to sleep. Go Mel.