Wednesday, 27 January 2010

MONSTROUS HEART OF ADVERTISING LAID BARE

Never before has a single four-minute film done so much to illustrate exactly why the advertising industry needs to be subject to a purge of such severity that the corpses of former creative directors and account planners will be clogging our sewage system for years to come. This video - a 'making of' documentary for an ad - confirms every stereotype you only half believed to be true about the dead-eyed, corporate phallus-worshipping whores at work in the advertising industry today.



So, Matt Kirkyby, Duffy was great for the ad because "she's real"? By saying such a weird thing you're only fuelling speculation that she's a cyborg. And you say you think it works because "real" is also "how people see the product". As opposed to what? All the people who think that Diet Coke is a hoax?

And full points to everyone involved for including the maximum amount of empty buzzwords that time would allow. For a minute I thought maybe you wouldn't be able to squeeze in "female zeitgeist" but you found a way. Kudos also to Duffy who, just before the three-minute-mark, apparantly goes into conversational freefall - babbling about how "going back to the sort of ad direction" helps "ecourage women to say no". Say no to what? Appearing in ads?

The 'plot', by the way, which Sara Tate seems so proud of is an unashamed rip-off of the end of A Mighty Wind where Eugene Levy's character goes AWOL before a big concert so he can take a walk around the city and buy a rose. So fuck you all.

Friday, 22 January 2010

THE DISSECTION OF A MOSQUITO FOR MALARIA PARASITE

You probably know that Channel 4 are axing Big Brother and its spin-off celebrity version this year. As a result the programme-makers will have a substantial hole in their schedule. Millions of floating Channel 4 viewers may very well switch over to ITV.

Could I suggest that they run this instead? It's a surefire ratings success:


This is actually a plug for the Wellcome Foundation's new online archive of film clips, now available on Youtube.

Wednesday, 20 January 2010

GOD-KING OF CELLULOID MADNESS RETURNS

This morning, as I stood on Yarmouth Bay looking out at the sea, an awful chill went through my bones. I felt the harrowing presence of an approaching catastrophe deep in my heart, and saw myriad omens suggesting a lamentable fate for the peoples of this land was at hand.

I hurried home, desperate to somehow waylay the godless havoc that was drawing closer. Hoping to be disproved, I threw open the day's edition of the local chronicle and saw this headline:

MEL GIBSON TO RECREATE THE VIKING INVASION OF BRITAIN FOR LATEST MOVIE

This is great news obviously. Did you see his last one? Gibson directing a film about the ruthless pillaging and indiscriminate slaughter of the Viking Age is a match made in heaven. He's shown us time and time again that when it comes to historical recreation, nothing and that includes factual accuracy - should get in the way of relentless, unflinching gore. In keeping with the last two films of what I hope will one day be called his Trilogy of Pain, the forthcoming Viking film will be scripted in a language that no one speaks: Old Norse.

Is there a genre name for Gibson's oeuvre? The brutal epic? Horror history? Whatever future film critics settle on, they better recognise the genius of the man soon. "I want a Viking to scare you," he said of his latest venture recently. "I want to see somebody who I have never seen before speaking low, guttural German who scares the living shit out of me coming up to my house."

Who knows what he's talking about there, but it's encouraging stuff. This film will also let Mel indulge in another of his trademarks: the persecution of Christians in slow motion. Expect plenty of men with filthy, braided beards cleaving babies in two, while white-clad women clutch crucifixes and weep.

My only suggestion's an obvious one. Mel should push producers to cast internet hero Techno Viking in a walk-on (or dance-on) role. Actually, I have a feeling Mel's producers are bed-ridden nonagenarians. He just pops in every few years and shouts "HEY I'M JUST GONNA GO MAKE A FILM ABOUT MAYANS OR INCANS OR SOMETHING. DID YOU KNOW THEY ATE HEARTS!?" Then they sign off on it and go back to sleep. Go Mel.

Sunday, 17 January 2010

26 GREATEST ALBUMS OF THE NOUGHTIES


What? The noughties? What? But... what? Top albums of the decade? If you insist.

You know now you come to mention it the noughties were a pretty important decade. The human race became more powerful than ever - thereby solidifying its position as the greatest of all races currently available. If you compare the progress we as a species made compared to the progress made by the rabbits or the catfish say, we - the human race - clearly emerged from the last 10 years as the world's number one species. The only competition came from the totemic dragon-fish-god which was dredged up by Japanese fishermen in 2007. As it happened the dragon-fish-god suffocated after three minutes of exposure to our atmosphere. We on the other hand created iPods, comprehensive and convenient archives of online pornography, a new type of hand dryer, an energy drink called Relentless and the film career of Shia La Beouf.

With that in mind it seems inevitable that we at the The Great Atomic Power would turn our attention to musical endeavor. A lot of music has been created in the last 10 years. I don't think many people would argue with the fact that all of it - from Bob Sapp's Sapp Time to Grand Belial Key's Judeobeast Assassination was uniformly excellent. However, it falls to us to sort the wheat from the chaff. When all's said and done what albums have we - the human race - now got to hold up to Japanese dragon-fish-gods and say: "Look! We are better than you! Where are your albums?"

The albums which we must now present to the terrifying aqua-deities are below. But first a disclaimer. This top 26 list does not claim to reflect which albums have made the biggest impact on music in the last 10 years. It does not purport to give credence to the artists who have affected the 'scene' or altered the zeitgeist. Instead it is simply an honest reflection of which albums - whole albums - we at TGAP have listened to and enjoyed the most in the last 10 years. Fashion be damned, here is our list:

26. THORNS THORNS (2001)
The point at which black metal looked down at its pasty, musky frame and sneered at itself in disgust. Thorns was much more than just an album made by a creepy man who had been in prison for 10 years. It was a weird, leap forward into a flickering, shrieking unknown. Gone were the preoccupations with castles and forests - replaced instead by an unfriendly post-millennial anguish and a bit where all the music stops and someone says "Back to my eternal starfield domain."

25. DEVENDRA BANHART CRIPPLE CROW (2005)
Listening to this album now makes me sad – it’s the point that Banhart took his first steps into stadium rock irrelevance, following three beautiful lo-fi albums. But this album is perfectly poised in between, and the end result is like a deliciously assorted bag of sweets. There’s the barely recorded folk that made Devendra the leading light of the New Weird America movements (Hey Mama Wolf), there’s barely reconstructed 70s rock (Long Haired Child), and smatterings of Spanish language tracks (Luna de Margarita). The album holds up to its length (22 tracks) through the sheer strength and variety of its material. Plus it’s got the best album cover of any record here. Guaranteed.

24. BAND OF HORSES CEASE TO BEGIN (2007)
This is a tough one to justify. It's basically a guy with a high, whiny voice singing over Southern-fried, folky alt-rock. Nothing too amazing. But if I left it off this list I would be a fundamentally dishonest person as I listen to it regularly still. It runs out of ideas in the second half, but albums with two complete sides are for slackers. Twenty-five minutes into an album I'm usually called upon to finalise a deal or referee an Afghan horse fight. Bottom line is that this album's lovely and it's the only album on here with a heartbreaking song about a regional newspaper.

23. ELECTRIC WIZARD DOPETHRONE (2000)
In the late nineties, doom was still not considered a proper genre of metal. If anything, it was the freaky elder brother of the (now pleasingly defunct) stoner genre. In the late noughties, doom was common currency among metal fans and beyond. This album is the reason. Adding a dollop of sludge to modernise the sound but otherwise keeping close to a classic doom template throughout, Electric Wizard managed to bludgeon their way into metal’s mass consciousness with juddering doom classics like Vinum Sabbathi and I, The Witchfinder.

22. VITAL REMAINS DECHRISTIANIZE (2003)
Raaaaargh! Death metal! Raaaargh! This album was sent by Satan to sodomise you. Glenn Benton - who on the first track declares himself to be an "unstoppable force of demonic supremacy" - claims that making this album made him realise how hum-drum his day job in Deicide had become. That's how good this album is. It made a man with an inverted crucifix actually burned into his forehead realise his life was boring. It's probably the most blasphemous record I own too. Which is saying something.

21. CANNIBAL OX THE COLD VEIN (2001)
El-P did something special with the production on this one – the organ-heavy beats manage to sound simultaneously claustrophobically urban and yet open and psychedelic. The tracks are matched to the two ideal MCs, Vast Aire and Vordul Megallah, providing skittery raps filled with abstract met-a-phors and non sequitors. Somehow, the album manages to never retreat into a backpack cul-de-sac, instead the whole thing stays healthily on Wu-Tang Battle-Rap Boulevard. My only complaint is that it’s a little over-long.

20. THE SHINS WINCING THE NIGHT AWAY (2007)
The Shins might have broken up by the time you've read this so Wincing would go down as their final record and that's fine by me. Compared to the preceeding two albums this one is far more varied, a lot more interesting musically and just way more fun. James Mercer finally got the hang of tying a complicated (and bitter sounding) vocal melody around a shuffly, sweet accompaniment and the result is an album of deceptively difficult pop songs. How can an album about "crippling insomnia" be so life-affirming? I dunno but Phantom Limb and Australia are clearly two works of mind-bending pocket-sized genius.

19. V/A MOLAM: THAI COUNTRY GROOVE FROM ISAN (2004)
Sublime Frequencies releases are always a joy, and this is my favourite of a great bunch. Thai Country Groove is a compilation of Mow Lam from the 70s and 80s, full of warp-speed cat-person vocals, enormous bamboo mouth organs and psychotic-sounding comedy skits. For the uninitiated, Mow Lam and its cousins is a style of Lao/Thai folk music that no self-respecting Thai urbanite would ever listen to. Prostitutes flee to Bangkok purely to avoid this kind of music. The bizarre-punk craziness on this disc is a billion miles away from the usual tasteful contents of world music compilations. The whole thing sounds like the lost disc of Nuggets.

18. ISIS OCEANIC (2002)
An enormous record that fully lives up to its moniker, Oceanic met with universal acclaim upon its release, although now no one seems to really ever talk about it. That's their loss. Using Neurosis' Through Silver in Blood as a kick-off point, Isis managed to render a charismatic blend of dark-age fury and modern angst upon their mighty canvas. 'Dense' does not adequately describe these song. Pinned down by tight, sparse drumming and recurring bass loops that wouldn't sound out of place on a Cure record, Oceanic's crushing ebb and flow would be much imitated but never bettered in the ensuing decade.

17. WHITE STRIPES WHITE BLOOD CELLS (2001)
The White Stripes’ first two albums were rootsy and under-produced. Their later albums were studio workouts. Their third album was the one where they achieved perfect balance, somehow managing to create a new primitivist stadium rock. It’s a great album, full of great songs. Admittedly, the whole thing does sound a little too close to classic Creedence, but that’s not a bad thing, right? Just like CCR, this is great American music that sets out very knowingly to position itself as part of everything that has gone before. I’m ashamed to say that when this album came out I hated it implicitly. I don’t think I’d even heard it. I’m going to blame hype and then just wash my hands of my younger self in disgust. Shithead.

16. TV ON THE RADIO RETURN TO COOKIE MOUNTAIN (2006)
I love cookies (biscuits) so it stands to reason that I... I'm going to abort that "idea for an hilarious intro" there if you don't mind. This album has two things going for it. Firstly it has actual real songs, that you can touch and smell and stuff. If every band that tried to be this clever also wrote songs as dynamic and memorable as this then I wouldn't become flush with choler every time I buy an album on Pitchfork's recommendation. Secondly, RTCM has the most superfluous David Bowie cameo of all time. A great album - and one which could be accurately described as the first valuable contribution to rock music made by black people.

15. PANDA BEAR PERSON PITCH (2007)
This was a bit of a revelation to me when I first heard it. It was less the beautiful Beach Boys style vocal melodies than the very un-Beach Boys harmonies which made this album such an eye opener. Person Pitch’s secret is the sense of enormous architectural space which it is able to convey through these harmonies. It’s only on later listens that you can even start to pick out the child-like percussion and strange samples that pound out the rhythm behind the vocals. There have been quite a few albums since that have given me the same sense of space, not least Animal Collective’s last two albums, but this is the one that hit me harder and stronger.
JGZM ADDS: Fuck you and Devendra Banhart. This has the best cover of all the albums here.

14. WEEN QUEBEC (2003)
The sad thing about Quebec (2003) is that theme which binds the album together is the fading friendship of the two guys that wrote it - Dean and Gene Ween. If you like Ween as much as me you'll know that's a very sad thing. In any case Quebec is a kick-ass, prog-rock, psychedelic joyride that takes in everything from Motorhead-style face-in-the-exhaust (It's Gonna Be A Long Night) to weird low-fi paranoia (So Many People In The Neighbourhood). Naming all the great tracks on it would take forever so just trust me when I say that most bands would plot an entire career around the amazing songs crammed on here. Viva Ween.

13. JUSTICE † (2007)
This album was definitely the high-point of electro for me. What set it apart from all the other electro-poseurs was the sense of cheesy fun and the ability to find the common song writing ground shared by classic heavy metal and disco and then to repackage it in a tasty dance coating. This was another one of those albums that came out in the second half of the noughties and managed to appeal to everyone, regardless of what genre they thought they preferred they liked. An album so good that it even managed to make Uffie’s tiresome hipster rap sound part of the fun.

12. ABORYM FIRE WALK WITH US (2000)
Who knows how they accomplished this. Using nothing more than a drum machine and some buzzy guitars a tiny cabal of Italians somehow conjured up a future nightmare consisting of hundred-mile high columns of blue flame and raging torrents of electrified blood. It didn't hurt that they drafted in the elusive magikal monument that is Attila Csihar to provide vocals. His rasping, shrieking, diabolic croak sits atop the frenzied guitars and dystopian synths like a perfectly-made hat on a lovely snowman.

11. CONVERGE JANE DOE (2001)
Metal and punk both underachieved in the noughties, starting with the lame farts of nu-metal and pop-punk and squelching to a runny finish with the mulch of metalcore. Converge’s Jane Doe was one husk of golden corn in the midst of all the shit. Not so much an album of good songs as an album explaining to you exactly how thrilling it can be to have a grown man scream at you for twelve tracks straight. It basically summed up everything special about metal and punk in the nineties into one tight, screamy mathematical package.

10. V/A OH BROTHER, WHERE ART THOU? OST (2000)
I realise that to bluegrass, blues and roots purists this probably represents some kind of sacrilege, but this soundtrack introduced a massive number of people to styles of music they would never have come across ordinarily. Despite the fact that nearly all the tracks on the album are contemporary recordings, a tangible sense of affection lingers over it. I know for a fact there are people in Beijing who got into the Stanley Brothers, Harry McClintock and latterly Ralph Stanley as a result of hearing Oh Brother played on jukeboxes and that's no bad thing.

9. FUGAZI THE ARGUMENT (2001)
Fugazi’s quietest, cleverest album. The Argument makes its point through shifts in dynamics, strange angular guitars and melodies. In the best way possible, it’s Fugazi’s most grown up album, and their most conventionally ‘indie’. By the point that they made this, MacKaye, Picciotto and pals knew so much about song craft that they were well past the conventional pop song stage, and the Argument shows it: songs twist and turn, hooks are buried in codas and the whole is designed so that it slowly burrows its way into your mind over repeated listens. The album is slow-release, and ten years on it’s still growing on me.

8. DRIVE BY TRUCKERS BRIGHTER THAN CREATION'S DARK (2008)
An epic country album, with three very different song-writers contributing their brains and their voices to proceedings. BTCD - like most albums by this prolific band - explores the depressed, nothing-on-TV-so-I'll-beat-my-wife side to the American South. Although Patterson Hood's rough yelp and Mike Cooley's bourbon-smooth baritone have never sounded so sharp, it's the story telling within the song's that really makes the album a fascinating experience. Kicking off with a song about the brutal murder of a man, his wife and their children, the rest of the record deals with crystal meth, suppressed homosexuality, war flashbacks and alcoholism. Enjoy!

7. 2 MANY DJS AS HEARD ON RADIO SOULWAX PT.2 (2002)
Mix-tapes were a bit of a growth industry in the noughties – a necessity at a time when the volume of music recorded was soaring while the traditional methods of discovering it were crumbling. But the first 2 Many DJs record to become available worldwide was a bit different. It nicely summed up the way that the end of the noughties saw genres crumble into irrelevance as a basis for listening taste. Check out the combination of Salt’n’Pepa’s Push It with The Stooges’ No Fun: here you have two songs which are almost retardedly obvious in every way except in their combination. Oh yeah, and the album is fun, really really fun. It’s pretty much a night out in itself.

6. BON IVER FOR EMMA, FOREVER AGO (2008)
Justin Vernon...blah blah blah... winter... tiny hut. Yes, we've heard the story many, many times. While the romantic backplot obviously gives this supremely-badly-named album a hook, it doesn't mean it has to be any good. Luckily it is good - really good. The first thing that grabs you is the multi-tracked falsetto vocals which sound like someone singing to you from the other side of a tiny, frosty window as a blizzard picks up speed. What keeps you coming back to it however, is the ethereal songwriting that manages to fashion memorable, solid - even hummable - tunes out of melodies that sound like they barely made it out of Justin's mouth. Not even in his most lurid, fanciful wet dreams does Coldplay's Chris Martin even come close to this.

5. MGMT ORACULAR SPECTACULAR (2008)
Something we can all agree on. This was a feature of practically every party I went to in the last two years, and it’s probably the music I’ll most associate with the second half of the noughties. The fun half. Okay, so it’s really a producer’s album, and the second half of the album is just phoned in, but the five songs that kick off Oracular Spectacular are such a perfect marriage of shimmering Bowie-esque style with curiously progged out substance that it doesn’t really matter. The fact is that this glorified ep is still one of the best albums of the decade.

4. REVEREND BIZARRE IN THE RECTORY OF THE BIZARRE REVEREND (2002)
Even though it hasn't dated especially well, it's hard to explain what a massive impact this album had on me. A funeral-doom power-trio led by the magisterial Albert Witchfinder, Reverend Bizarre never bettered this, their debut. With nary a prop or fancy effect in sight these three Finish guys laid down no-nonsense, slow-as-molasses riffs for the true believers. Over the top of it all was Albert's frankly inimitable voice, which I refuse to believe wasn't manufactured in a test tube, so perfectly suited is it to the music. What's more, not only do the songs actually go places, the band also inject everything with a winsome sense of humour and irony - not often seen in music of any kind. You'd be an asshole not to like this album.

3. MADVILLAIN MADVILLAINY (2004)
The noughties were the decade that hip-hop conquered the world and, in conquering, lost everything that made it great. But despite the amount of shit that the genre threw up in its dying days as bloated leper king of the airwaves, there were a small number of classic albums and Madvillainy was my favourite of them. The album was founded on the two reasons fans originally loved hip-hop at a time when everyone else in the genre was just ignoring them: verses and sampling. The marriage of MF Doom’s MCing, with his buttersoft pop-culture literate flow, and Madlib’s samples (ranging from the Mothers of Invention to Sun Ra) made this my favourite hip-hop album of the decade.

2. MEW AND THE GLASS HANDED KITES (2005)
Am I the only person who realises how fucking amazing this album is? It's more technical than most math-rock bands, more bombastic than anything Muse could ever do, prettier than pop and far more compelling than the drivel put out by any number of over-hyped indie bands from the last decade. Although 2009's follow-up is arguably superior, Kites is the album which got me on the fanboy bandwagon and demonstrated how far out Mew were willing to go. It boggles the mind that a record which represents such a quantum leap forward for rock music didn't instantly make the band megstars the world over.

1. JOANNA NEWSOM MILK-EYED MENDER (2004)
This album was the quiet hero of the decade for me, and definitely the best thing to come out of the New Weird America stable. Bizarre high pitched voice, unusual main instrument, curious influences (Kora, Indie Folk, Texas Gladden) and songs that catch you at first go. It was one of the strangest but most universal albums I’ve ever heard, like a breath of fresh air at a time when I thought music really wasn’t going anywhere. Milk-Eyed Mender is the sort of album which makes you feel simultaneously proud and protective, like a happy parent.

Saturday, 16 January 2010

SUBJECTIVE GUIDE TO THE BLUES - CHARLEY PATTON

There's an obvious place to start a crash course in Delta blues: with three men. Charley Patton, Son House and Tommy Johnson. Of the big three of Delta blues, Charley Patton’s my absolute favourite.

Patton’s a bit of a tough sell for the ordinary listener, most of his records were made for Paramount, which went bust in the Depression. The masters were sold for whatever the metal they were made of was worth. What Patton does still exist is exclusively taken direct from old 78s, and it sounds like it. Expect static, hails of static. That’s not necessarily a bad thing - I happen to like hails of static, I guess people who like this kind of music have to, but the noise can be exhausting. Have a listen to 'Pony Blues', his most famous track - you can barely hear it through the crackling. Just forget about the lyrics. It’s something about a pony, but I have no idea what it is. About the only line it’s possible to pick out is Charley bellowing “and the blues come down, baby, like showers of ra-ai-in”, which is appropriate, because all the static sounds genuinely like a thunderstorm.Like I said, it’s a bit exhausting, but it’s not a bad thing. Think how much money some modern bands spend to sound this shitty. Charley Patton’s discography is the Earth A.D. of blues music.

To get a good idea of what Charley Patton brought to the Delta blues, have a listen to ‘High Water Everwhere, pt. 1’. Stylistically it’s his most Delta track. Patton’s not a guitar technician – he’s one of life’s bashers. Everything about the song is propulsive and primitive and it’s loose as hell – in fact, it only takes him about ten seconds to start playing out of time. He’s sort of keeping time thoughout by banging his guitar while he plays and by stomping his feet, but neither are in time with each other so it just throws him off even more. In fact, the whole thing taken together is almost avant-garde when listened to on record. It’s like John Cage was in charge of the rhythm. There’s literally nothing sophisticated about it – it’s banging and stomping and bellowing. The subject matter gets Delta points too – the song’s about the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927, which pops up all over the place in Mississippi Delta blues.

John Fahey, the 60s guitarist, had a way of describing the difference between his own music and that of the blues revivalists like Canned Heat. The theory was that they were after what he identified as “department store plastics”, whereas he was more into reptiles in the mud. Okay, so that’s not really a theory, it’s really a metaphor. But it really works for Charley Patton’s music. Listen to any of Patton’s songs – try a famous one like ‘Pony Blues’, or my favourite 'Jim Lee Blues, Pt. 1' – Charley Patton sounds like a reptile, splashing alone in the mud, howling to itself. It’s an enormous reptile, and it’s the last of its kind. The rest are all extinct. The reptile’s alone and knows it. That’s what comes across with Patton, he’s an ancient lizard singing in the mud at the side of the road. Even songs like ‘A Spoonful Blues’, which is about cocaine, or ‘Shake it and Break It’, which is about sex, have the primordial misery welling up. There’s always that sad side to Patton’s music, and I don’t mean in the hackneyed ‘healing power of the blues’ sense. He just sounds depressed on almost all of his songs. The reptilian sadness, it’s there. Charley Patton is the blues Loch Ness Monster.

Photos of Patton show that he was a funny little squirt wearing some sort of yokel approximation of a slick suit. He looks a bit disappointing for a bluesman - not big enough, and (big news for the revivalists with their ‘can white men play the blues?’ controversies) he’s not really black – people who knew him describe him as “yellow” (that’s charming old-time racist for very mixed race) or latino, and talk about his good (i.e straight) hair. He was actually a quarter Cherokee.

He doesn’t sound disappointing though. He had a voice that could apparently carry for miles and miles. It’s loud, and the recording equipment of the time just can’t deal with it. It just picks up the bass. He sounds like a bullfrog. It’s largely because of Patton that later bluesmen sing in that bass falsetto.

Patton’s most famous for blues, but he also had a great way with gospel. Almost all bluesmen had fundamentalist Christian moments randomly interpolated into lifetimes of backsliding and reprobation, but Patton was a particularly depressing case. Whenever his lifestyle was getting him down he’d allow himself to get dragged to church and come out reborn, vowing to change his life, all of which would last about ten minutes. But you can still feel the personal need for salvation in that song in a way that you just can’t with most gospel music. His version of 'Prayer of Death, Pt.1' has a particular kick.

Patton was very popular in the twenties, and a lot of his music found its way into later blues, especially the bellow. But as a person he was pretty much good for nothing; a cokehead alcohol wife beater. He got into a lot of fights too, and eventually got his throat slit in one after he’d lost his fame and got desperate. Pretty much any money he earned (and at one point in his life he really was wealthy) was sniffed straight up his nose. Cocaine, shitty whiskey and the injury to his throat would have killed his career even if the Great Depression hadn’t made him into a musical footnote overnight. He didn’t cope very well with not being famous anymore either, and his later life is just a protracted car crash of misery. He recorded his last sides in 1934, shortly before his death, and they show a man who’d lost almost all his powers. He can barely even sing. 'Poor Me' is good though, if you want the sound of a man who is totally broken.

Patton introduced a lot into the blues. Almost every later bluesman has taken it as written that blues should be sung with in a bass falsetto. Stylistically he also defines the earliest period of country blues, and his success helped to ensure that other elements of his sound, like his propulsive use of the slide, spread throughout Mississippi and came to form the bedrock of all later blues. But his real legacy is a whole load of ancient-sounding cryptic blues songs of the highest quality.

One of the great things about Charley Patton is that he’s just obscure enough that mentioning his name to a serious blues fan will convince them that you know what you’re talking about. You’ll sound like you’ve done your homework, which you wouldn’t if you try talking about Robert Johnson or Muddy Waters.

Charley Patton was the earliest artist to obtain success playing Delta-style blues, and he opened the gates for other artists to follow. One of the most famous bluesmen to use Patton’s fame as a springboard for his own career is Patton’s touring partner Son House: the next stop.

Wednesday, 13 January 2010

REVISITING STREET FIGHTER: THE MOVIE

Remember the Street Fighter film? Remember how sad it made you? The feeling of disappointment? Yes. Me too. But now, a decade and a bit later, I realise the makers of the film were in fact doing as all a huge service. They had taken - abducted - something which was dear to every one of us. They had got our hopes up and promised the world. Then, just when our child-like hopes were highest, they revealed a disintergrating mountain of cinematic faeces. Every aspect of it was appalling.

As we sat there staring up at the screen trying to comprehend what was happening to our childhood, we were of course learning a couple of valuable life lessons. Firstly, never get your hopes up. Some asshole will just miscast Jean Claude Van Damme and ruin everything. Secondly, screw the mainstream, and never trust it to do justice to anything you care about.

So Street Fighter: The Movie wasn't so much a film as it was a traumatic event that built character. However, years have passed (as well as one equally dire spin-off) and maybe it is time for us to confront our demons. We know that a Street Fighter film - a good one - is owed to all of us. It would provide ultimate closure. For it to work however, it would have to have a cast worthy of the franchise. Each actor would have to fit the role like a glove. This is that cast:

SAGAT
Secretly everyone's favourite character, Sagat was a powerful, arrogant monster who - according to the game - was from Thailand. I've never been to Thailand but I have met Thai people and I can report that physically they have very little in common with Sagat. We can therefore look beyond Thailand for our Sagat. I've settled on awful-pro wrestler-turned-even-worse mixed martial artist Nathan Jones. Why? Look at the photo. Add an eye patch and a scar and you're done.

GUILE
We all know Guile deserves better than a coke-fueled Belgian. The American GI with his grimly fascinating haircut turned out to be one of the most enduring video game characters of all time. That's why the guy roped in to play him has to have screen presence. He has to have all the qualities of Marlon Brando in Streetcar but also be able to perform backflip kicks on command. When he utters the classic put-down "GO HOME AND BE A FAMILY MAN" the audience should feel that he really means it - whatever it is that that line means. The only actor with the chops to pull this off as far as I'm concerned is Dolph Lundgren.

RYU
A tricky one. Ryu (or Raiyooo as we all called him) lacked any discernible personality. He was stoic. That's about it as far as I remember. Step forward UFC workhorse Lyoto Machida - a half-Japanese Shotokan karate fighter who is a dead ringer for the game's frowny protagonist. Machida is also perfect because as far as I know he has no acting ability whatsoever - a definite plus for playing a character who's emotional depth extends as far as a red headband.

M BISON
Bison is an intriguing character - he is a fascist dictator and controls a malevolent force called "Psycho Power". Admit it, that's intriguing. Hilariously Bison's character in the contemptible Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun Li was "reimagined" as an Irish-American businessman who, instead of the iconic red outfit with peaked cap and cape, opts for sensible blue business suits. Hey Hollywood, why not go the whole hog and re-imagine him out of existence all together? In any case the actor who plays Bison should be a dominating, sinister presence. Someone like Charles Bronson, specifically craggy-faced Charles Bronson circa 1975. A glowering, scowling man in life and on-screen, Bronson would be a natural fit for the despotic psycho crusher.

BLANKA
A throwaway if ever there was one. In my mind him being an electricity-generating beast made a mockery of the World Warrior tournament's mission statement to find the world's strongest person. In a new Street Fighter movie I would pitch hard to not have Blanka created in CGI, instead casting Slater from Saved By The Bell (an actor who's name I have no intention of knowing). As a young boy Slater's appearance reminded me very much of Blanka. I'd like to see him go green-face.

CHUN LI
Another stone-cold design classic. Chun Li had more personality in one of her glorious thighs than all subsequent "woman fighter" characters had in their collective, pneumatic bodies. Unfortunately she was light on backstory (someone had murdered her something-or-other) and as far as I know no one actually ever played as her. Still, a SFII film lacking Chun Li would be like Sibelius' Fifth Symphony without that glitchcore techno interlude in the reprise, so step forwards well-endowed Japanese glamour model Eiko Koike. You are Chun Li. Hopefully casting a Japanese for a Chinese will reignite that whole Memoirs of a Geisha controversary.

KEN
As much as it pains me to say it, our new Street Fighter Film might provide gainful employment for Sean Williams-Scott. It makes sense though. Ken is your average Japanese person's mental image of an American - brash, forever giving the thumbs up, and as blonde as a Swedish albino in a peroxide vat. Williams-Scott fits the bill and there's always a chance that in our film Ken will die violently in the first act. A strong chance.

ZANGIEF
Mad as a pebble, steroidy Soviet grappler Zangief has always been viewed as a video games joke. No projectile offense, slow movement speed, woefully impractical fighting gear, what does Zangief have going for him? Neatly-maintained chest hair? An 'alternative-lifestyle' beard-and-mohawk hairstyle combo? No, he has a spinning fucking piledriver - a super-move years before super-moves were even invented. Accordingly Zangief should be performing a spinning piledriver on somebody every time he is on screen. And who will play Zangief? None other than French rugby union star and celebrity poker mainstay Sebastien Chabal!

E HONDA
Beautiful Eddie Honda. How fast could he slap you with his hand? How about fucking fast? How about so fast that you couldn't even see his god-damned arm? Honda's a good character for a film because he dovetails two crucial roles into one obese package - namely the older guy with a heart of gold and the comedy fat person. In terms of casting, the easy option would be a large Japanese man. However, Lundgren aside, our film currently lacks the heavy-artillery of the acting world. Hence Michael Sheen. Let's see how far his vaunted method-acting skills can take him.

DHALSIM
Despite the best efforts of the game's developers the whole Dhalsim thing never really caught on. In the first incarnation of Street Fighter II he was already able to breathe fire and stretch. He was unpopular however, so latterly he was given the ability to teleport all the way across the screen. Still no one wanted to play as him. You know why? Yoga. Kids don't want anything to do with a skinny man who's powers are derived from low-impact stretching exercises. As a result Dhalsim's role will be limited to a small walk-on part where he uses his fire breath to light an uncooperative barbecue. He will be played by one of the great muscular-skinny men of our time - The Wire's Cedric Daniels.